Now its ok.

This week was long. That's how I start my post today.

I am not going to write about what was going on this week, it doesnt matter. Friday finally came, and I am still privated from sleep (for weeks) and worried. I've been trying to not worry all the time...
You know, everyone that is around me probably could say I am almost never in a bad mood...Or that I am constant or consistent or predictable - not the type of person who would behave differently without an explanation.

But today was different.
Even though I had only 2 hours of sleep, I managed to hang out after class, eat a kebab and talk in a great mood, the entire day. I couldnt take a nap this afternoon...
I feel as something is not leting me sleep.

I went to a restaurant, had a great dinner and was introduced by Matt to some of his friends (some people from Italy). Great people, and I was again...in a great mood.

But as I walked to the metro, I was just with myself. And that when trouble starts. I sat on the metro with an empty mind and suddenly two brothers crossed the door. I suppose they were around my age and my sister's age. Both were very good looking, and one was blind. Just a note: It always breaks my heart to see someone young with a type of disability. And his brother kept watching him and talking, having such a good "brother" time.
I missed my sister so bad and I dont know...Something just popped in my mind: how much I miss so many people, so many people, how alone I was feeling and how I dont remember feeling so fragile in such a long time. I put my head down, holding my scarf so tight and promising myself I wouldn't cry.
And that tiny tear came out. I put my head up and said to myself "Dont cry".
The freaking metro was packed, of drunk people, old people, tired workers...
And the next stop came up.
So this middled age guy as leaving, stops in front of me, puts his head down and looks at me while smiling and says, as if he knew me "Intenta positivar esa tristeza. Quedáte bien." ( Try to make this sadness positive. Take care) and I was so overwhelmed all I could say was "Gracias"

I was not expecting that. At all. And sometimes weird things like that happen...But I felt so thankful to hear that. I understood what he meant and that was enough for everything I wanted to cry - and eventually did.

Im being strong, and I am not complaining. And thats exactly the reason I dont dare calling anyone when I feel like this, not to hear "Oh you want to come back??"
No, I dont.
But everyone - once in a while - feel as fragile as a piece of thin porcelain and I cannot handle the "Oh but you chose this" crap.
It's a lesson I guess of how to deal with my own problems and how to learn about my emotions.

However, I confess: A word, a single word from confort, from someone I never saw and will never see in my life never felt as good as today. Thank you, whoever you are.

"...what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good." (Garden State)

"Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one who's afraid of change" (Jack Johnson - Losing Hope)



This week was long. That's how I finish this post.